Monday 1 October 2007

Joke of the Week No.9 - The Lawyer, The Farmer & The Duck.

A big mouthed London Lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wales. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the man climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

He responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The self important solicitor said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Wales. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old bastard.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's balls and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the stomach sent the man's last meal gushing from his mouth.

He was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck".

Monday 6 August 2007

Joke of the Week No.8 - Nelson and Hardy....

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ............... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case.............................
...... kiss me, Hardy."

Tuesday 12 June 2007

Joke of the Week No. 7 - The Value of a Drink.

Can it really be a month since I last added to my blog? Sorry, I must try harder in future. Meanwhile here is the best joke/s I've heard this week, but it is only Tuesday.

Joke of the Week No. 7 - The Value of a Drink.

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a prat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory
to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

Thursday 10 May 2007

Local News No.3. Good Night / Bad News (but you can help).

Very enjoyable evening on Wednesday at St Mary's Church, Long Sutton where we were entertained to an evening of music and song by many of the children from Long Sutton County Primary School. Some of the children had not been playing or singing very long and the success of the evening demonstrated the support given by many of the staff at the school. Well Done to all concerned.

Talking to the vicar afterwards I was concerned to hear about the state of the church roof, I knew it was in need of repair but didn't know how extensive the damage is and how expensive to repair. Without urgent repair there will be much further damage caused by the elements.

Irrespective of what you think of organised religion, the building like many of it's age makes many important contributions to the town and it's people. I could easily ramble on about what this building contributes to the Social, Cultural and architectural fabric of the town but prefer instead to ask you to think what it means to you.

It's not only the Hatching, Matching and Despatching of your life. Look for example as you travel around the town, the spire is never out of view, standing straight, strong and true. Impressive architecture and much more.

Think about the contribution the building makes to the social fabric of the town, providing a venue not just for religious worship but for many other meetings and events.

Think about how many people in your extended family have had use of or contact with the building in the last week, month, year.

Go into the church and read the large plaque on the wall dedicated to the memory of a woman who gave birth to 22 children. Think what the building meant to her all those years ago and to many thousands of people since.

For me the churchyard is one of the most photogenic places I know and I walk through it whenever possible. Every time I do I am always taken aback by the quality of light and shade, I always see a photographic opportunity.

If the building or Long Sutton mean anything to you then there is a practical way you can easily help, the church needs £200,000 to restore the roof and any small donation will help.

You can visit the church and make a donation.

You can dowload a gift form here, print it, fill it in and post to the appeal treasurer. Not forgetting to sign for Gift Aid.

You can support the many fund raising activities taking place in the coming months including an interesting, varied range of concerts in the church.

You can visit the church website here.

You can email the church direct here.

Whatever you do, don't do nothing. It's your town, your responsibility.


Thursday 3 May 2007

Joke of the Week No.5 - Prime Minister in Class

The Prime Minister was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said The PM, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Prime Minister was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed teh PM. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

Thursday 26 April 2007

Joke of the Week No.5 Excerpts from a Dog's (and Cat's) Daily Diary

OK, I know you can't really have two Jokes of the Week but this came my way today and made me laugh so much I had to share it.

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

B ** tards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was laced in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...........

Tuesday 24 April 2007

Bad Car Driver No.2. Long Sutton

Thanks to the lady in the Chelsea Tractor (4x4) who decided to do a 3-point turn in front of me Sunday morning when she didn't have the space available to do such a manouvre and left her back end across my carriageway.

I was happily travelling at 60mph between Sutton Bridge and Long Sutton on a virtually empty road, the only other vehicles in sight were a 4x4 followed by a small white car coming in the opposite direction.

The 4x4, one of the largest I have seen, decided to do a 3-point turn into a bus stop which was coming up on my left, she crossed too late to enter the bus stop and with nowehere to go left her back end right across my carriageway.

I couldn't pull around because of the small white car following her so had to do an emergency stop.

Thankyou Madam, you are an idiot.

Joke of the Week No. 4. A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal."Where's Christian?" he asked."He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

Joke of the Week No.3. Marriage

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Sunday 1 April 2007

Joke of the Week No.3. Marriage.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Friday 30 March 2007

Local News No.2. Spalding Flower/Tulip Parade.

It's nice to see the Spalding Flower Parade will, at least in part, be returning to it's rightful home in Spalding town centre.

It has been reported that the parade will either start or finish at the Sir Halley Stewart Field adjacent to the town centre instead of the out of town shopping area it has been beached at in recent years.

Let's hope they get it right and the parade finishes at the Sir Halley Stewart Field ensuring the thousands of tourists and locals who visit will then stay in the town centre and spend their tourist £'s. Rather than at an out of town shopping centre full of national retail chains which has little benefit to the local economy other than a few part-time staff's wages and a bit of rates to the council. Spend the tourist £ locally and it will circulate in the local economy for years.

Better still, have the parade both start and finish in town.

Any chance?

Whisky of the Week No.2. Abelour.

Aberlour 10 Year Old.

This years Christmas gift from W.C., a child who knows how to keep on the right side of Dad.

It's a while since I tasted this particular single malt so it was a pleasure to slowly open and expectantly pour this lovely coloured liquid. A large, slow sniff revealed brandy and sherry, later confirmed by the smooth taste of both revealing the storage methods which use both sherry and bourbon casks. Add a touch of cinnamon and nutmeg with the usual warmth of a Speyside whisky and you have a very well rounded, smooth whisky for the price.

Definitely one for the recommended list.

Monday 26 March 2007

Joke of the Week No.2. The Amazing Italian.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss the Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down in the circus tent. There, under the Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't miss the Amazing Italian."

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Sunday 18 March 2007

Joke of the Week No.1. - Sensible Observations

OK, it's Sunday night and all we have to look forward to is another 5 days of the nine to five. So here are a few things to brighten the next few days, share them with your work colleagues, tell them you found them here and come back for more as I intend to make this a regular feature.

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that.It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

4) The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

6) "My Mother-in-Law said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'They weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

7) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

8) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

9) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

10) "My parents didn't want to move to Bournemouth, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

11) "Remember in Primary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? Do tall people burn slower?"

12) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.Monogamy is the same."

13) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will always give you a look that says,'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

14) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased

15) "Everybody's got to believe in something.I believe I'll have another beer."

Saturday 17 March 2007

Local News No.1. A Good Night Out.

Yet another good evening's entertainment at The Market House in Long Sutton this week. If I said a poet and an illustrator on the same bill you would think I had possibly gone mad. But, if I said Ian McMillan - The Baird of Barnsley and Tony Husband - Cartoonist for Private Eye Daily Express etc, etc then you might get a better idea of the fun we had. Both of these men are extremely funny in their field, put together the night exploded with laughter. So this blog is to say thanks to Kay of Long Sutton Dramatic Society for arranging these nights. To the people of Long Sutton area I say open your minds, get off your arses and make an effort to attend, you won't be disappointed. You will find these nights advertised at The Market House, The Library, The Coop and on the Town Notice Board in the Market Place so there is no excuse.

Sunday 28 January 2007

Photography Lesson No.1. Selective Focusing.

As explained in my earlier post, "Photography Lessons. Why?", this post will concern the technique needed to show a girl in a crowd highlighted by being in sharp focus while all around her are out of focus. Easily obtained in a few seconds with your camera and without spending hours editing your photographs with Adobe Photoshop or similar picture editing software. The technique can be equally applied to any number of subjects, it is often used to photograph a small flower head in sharp focus with a blurred background for example.

Selective Focusing in this case is created by adjusting Depth of Field. Depth of Field is the amount of a subject either side of the main focus point which is still in focus, i.e. the amount in front and behind which is still in focus. In the case of our girl in a crowd there should be very little in front and behind her in focus i.e. we require a narrow depth of field.

So how do we create this? Simple, we adjust the f stop on the lens aperture ring. A small f stop number which gives a large aperture, say f2.8, will provide a narrow depth of field so few children if any in front or behind our girl will be in focus. A large f stop number which gives a small lens aperture, say f16, puts a great deal in front and behind our girl in focus. It's as simple as that.

Now, like all creative techniques it is best to practice before you use them for real. If you are lucky enough to have a digital SLR you can take as many practice pictures as you want at nil cost so there is no excuse. If you have a SLR film camera you can still practice reasonably well using the preview function. I suggest that if your camera offers an 'aperture priority' setting you select it now as it gives you much less to worry about particularly if you want to take actual photographs during your practice session. To practice I suggest you find something like a picket fence or similar which has clearly defined uprights, focus on something about 2 metres away and set the lens aperture to about f2.8 or the smallest number (widest aperture) you have available. Now either by taking a photo or using preview have a look at how much is in focus, hopefully the upright you set your focus to and very little in front or behind it. Now as a comparison set a large f stop number, say f22 which gives a small aperture, and compare the difference. You should now have not only your chosen upright but nearly everything else as well. I recomend that you now try the same exercise with several f stops in between to get the feel of what happens with your particular lens and camera. The more you do this the better because the best pictures are nearly always taken 'on the hoof' and previous practice will greatly increase your chances of success. There is a small cheat you can use, if you look on your lens you should find a depth of field guide which will help you to know approximately how much will be in focus. I say approximately because they can be a little crude and cannot replace experience gained with your equipment.

So that's the basics of Selective Focusing using Depth of Field. At this point I should point out that depth of field changes with the focal length of the lens, a wide angle lens will have less depth of field than a telephoto, so if you have more than one lens you should practice with them all or at least the ones you use most. If you have a zoom lens like an 18-135mm then the amount of depth of field will change greatly between the 18 and 135 settings.

Hopefully all is clear. If not please ask me questions via a comment. Additionally if you have any questions on photography I would enjoy answering them, it will help me know what to put in my next Photography Lesson.

Now, "Go Out And Practice".

Thursday 25 January 2007

Local News: Bridge Lorry, Lorry Bridge

Bit of excitement in Sutton Bridge last night. Man steals car transporter, police chase follows, police ask bridge operator to lower barriers, man drives car transporter through barriers apparently on wrong side, police stop him with stinger 16 miles away having chased him for 40 miles in total. I'm not making it up, have a look here.
I'm glad I live in sleepy old Long Sutton these days.

Wednesday 24 January 2007

Photography Lessons. Why?

A friend of mine is very fortunate to have a digital SLR camera. The other day he very proudly showed to me a picture he had created, it was of his young niece at her birthday party, in a crowd, reaching up to take something from the entertainer. My friend had taken the photograph and then at home spent a considerable amount of time, using Adobe Photoshop,editing it so that his niece was in focus while all around her was out of focus. This is a technique often used to create a visual highlight of one element of a picture, in this case the niece, and it can be very effective. He had achieved what he wanted but agreed with me that the results were somewhat crude. I asked him how long it had taken to create this effect and his mumbled answer of "an hour or so" suggested it was more like two. He was astonished and embarrassed in equal measure when I explained that with a good camera like his it was possible to create this effect when taking the picture, it only takes a couple of seconds to set up, the transition between in and out of focus elements would be more subtle and professional and if he didn't like the result when viewed on the camera he would still be 'on-site' and could try again. It became apparent that although my friend is an early adopter of new technology, there is still a gap between the new techniques of using modern software and the old skills of using the camera to do the work, the skills I was taught over thirty years ago. It was at my friends suggestion that I decided to start a series of photography lessons here on my blog, passing on some of the basic camera techniques as taught to me. I would never claim to be an expert but hopefully I can pass on something useful or enjoyable from the experience I have. With my friend's experience in mind I will call the first lesson Selective Focusing. I will now pour myself a large Bells and start writing, the lesson will be posted separately in the next day or two. Hopefully blog readers might like to suggest future photography lessons or indeed ask questions about photography for me to answer, it would certainly help me to know what to write next. It will help keep me occupied while saving for my goal of buying my dream camera, a Nikon D80 Digital SLR!

Tuesday 23 January 2007

Whisky of the Week No.1. Bells.

Bells Whisky - I know I'm a fan of single malt whisky but occasionally the pocket doesn't stretch that far and a compromise has to be reached to enable regular whisky consumption. In this case a Christmas gift which had lain in the back of the cupboard awaiting a desperate moment. Well the moment has arrived and, to be honest, it never ceases to amaze me how good this whisky blend is. OK, it's not a fine single malt, but as far as an everyday drink is concerned I have to rate it as one of the best. A pleasant mixture with a hint of brandy, a later taste of peat and finally just enough fire to leave a warm glow without making you cough. Highly recommended. 6/10 on the Sloshometer.

Monday 22 January 2007

Bad Car Driver No.1. Whaplode.

Last Saturday driving through Whaplode on the limit at 40mph when the leading car in my line of traffic sees a speed camera and brakes hard down to 30, obviously not aware of the speed limit he should keep to. The cars following him braked even harder swerving left to the pavement and right toward the opposite lane of traffic. Not sure who is in the wrong here, a)the bloke driving the car in front for not being aware of the speed limit and panicking because he saw a speed camera, b) the traffic following him who were obviously too close (except me, of course) or the Police/Government for placing speed cameras on straight, open roads. Perhaps they all are. Doesn't it make you angry?