Joke of the Week No.1. - Sensible Observations

OK, it's Sunday night and all we have to look forward to is another 5 days of the nine to five. So here are a few things to brighten the next few days, share them with your work colleagues, tell them you found them here and come back for more as I intend to make this a regular feature.

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?There's a support group for that.It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

4) The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

6) "My Mother-in-Law said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'They weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

7) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

8) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

9) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

10) "My parents didn't want to move to Bournemouth, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

11) "Remember in Primary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? Do tall people burn slower?"

12) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.Monogamy is the same."

13) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will always give you a look that says,'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

14) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased

15) "Everybody's got to believe in something.I believe I'll have another beer."